stop by for final check on my boo boo

Saw Kerry and said it looks good and healed.  Today dr. Wapnir stop by and said " if anyone wants to poke for nodules go see me first".  

Scabbing

On the way to the appnt. I feel anxious knowing that there is an intent of cutting a piece out on my boob.  In the car I feel my tummy turn upside down.  I have taken propanolol and my hr is at 89.
I've been waiting for a bit and my tummy doesn't feel ok.  I have nerves made out of eggs.
Now im in the room and finally a familiar face came in.  I'm so happy to see her it's the P>S's asst Np.  She poked at it and said that it's so tiny.   She took a picture and  another person came in to take a look.  She is preparing a bag for me.  Cut a little piece of this yellow cloth in half then try and poke it inside s it will heal from the inside.  Looks like we got it covered and don't need to see the dr. We have a plan and said to see her again next week.  So relieved that I didn't need to be cut open.  I got out of there and now waiting for my ride.

onco yearly appnt

Everything is fine ....chit chat about stuff... then theres this raised skin near my flap.  The np didnt seem concerned, she said it's probably nothing but she uttered the word biopsy.... anxiety raised the roof... ah in my head I didnt want to do it.  I was freaking out inside my head.  So then she left us to find the other dr for 2nd opinion. I was left with my husband I know he would want to know.  So I gather myself and said let's do this. He came in and said I'm not concerned but we have to document it.  I was giving some excuses why it did what it did to my flap.  Like I was heavy lifting too much and probably my muscle trying to push it up.  Then they all looked like I was talking like it doesn't make sense scientifically.  He said, well it's not nothing, it is something.  So in my head is scrambling with anxiety "not again"... The onco asked the NP what do you want to do and when do you want to see her back? The NP replied lets do a biopsy and see her in 6 months.  I know if we don't do this this would just haunt her for 6 months until we see her.  The onco left so  the NP is very comforting, she said she will call me as soon as the results comes out.  I page them right now...just go up and check in."  So I and my husband go to 3rd floor...It would take 30mins for them to come to this building.... so I waited for an hour again and I told my husband to pick up my son from school and just come back and get me.  After 1hr, the I got called in they're ready for me.  I walked into the halls and into the room and the lady was really assuring like it doesn't hurt or it wouldn't hurt.  She did about 2 pokes then another dr came in and wanted to get sample from me too.  So that's another 2 pokes or 3.  They put it in the slides to go look into the microscope and they seemed optimistic like it's not cancer.  So I'm relieved.  Now Im glad that the NP did send me to do the biopsy, so I wouldn't worry as much. SO it didn't hurt so that was good.  My flap was just bruised.  After it's done I called my husband that im ready to go back home.  He picked me up and went to the fish taco place and eat because we are both starving...

Now the next few days were not easy... Still waiting for results and even though they told me it's not cancer I'm still worried because it's not on the paper...  It feels like it's hard to move on and do stuff when there is this results that im waiting.  I kept myself busy but at night.  that's when the worry comes in..

Thurs

I bought a shoe that goes with my dress.  black and gold. Ive learned in the past that I can't wear 3 inch heels anymore.  I'd like to be comfortable. So i bought a gold comfortable heels. and some make up stuff.

wed

I have viewed endless youtube videos... and I draw brows but my eyebrow looked like yo gabba gabba's eyebrow so thick near the nose.. I went out grocery shopping to see what reactions i will get .. My mom said draw thin not thick... So I came home and youtube once again. I found out to draw eyebrow with less hair. in my case it's the tail... i draw it more there so it looks more natural.

days before party work

Today Monday
I will shop and try on for a dress. Then if I have more time I will look for make up stuff

Tues
Learn to draw eyebrow

Wed
Learn to take out eye puff redness

Thurs
Look for a shoe

Fri
All ready just needs few make up stuff

Brain fog at worst

I'm 2 years out post chemo.  Yet I find myself very forgetful.  I write stuff down but if i don't see those notes pop up.  Then I won't know.  Last sept 2019, I took a Spanish class to make sure that I can retain things.  And I did, I got an A.  It was hard trying to convince myself not forget those new words and how they work in a sentence.  With this experience I thought my brain is fine back to normal.  But recently 4 days ago, my mom told me to put the clothes in the dryer when it's done in the washer.  I said yes, how hard can it be.  It should be done in 1 hr.  I could hear her going down the stairs and I just remembered that I forgot to do it.  Option 1, race to the dryer before she gets down or Option 2, get frustrated that I forgot again and stay where I'm at.  Well, I picked option 2 and I got a lecture on how I'm irresponsible.  That hit a nerve but I just brushed it off.
Then yesterday another incident, I had earphones laying on the ground.  My husband walked by it and said "what are your earphones doing here".  I replied it must've fallen off from my laptop.  He told me to pick it up.  I said OK, in my head I'll pick it up when I get up.  Well, I walked by probably 2 or 3 times, that's what he said and I didn't pick it up.  He got frustrated and said was I just doing it out of spite not picking it up.  I don't want to blame it on my brain but I really did it forget.  Like it just fell off the list in my brain that I needed to do.  I don't know i just got so defensive of this flaw of mine.  It sucks I didn't intend it to forget but I did.  I don't know what to do, sometimes my brain is ok sometimes it's not.  How do i make sure I won't forget this short term things to do. Very frustrated at times.  Some of my friends and cousins say they're forgetful too but mine is kind of worst or maybe it's the same. I don't know how can my forgetfulness not the same but they do better at it.  I think I can overcome this if word hard as much as remembering...